i recieved an e-mail from my friend who just recently moved to madrid. the one i wrote about a few weeks back (see freedom). his e-mail gave me a little more perspective on my life, and so i am including it here. he has always been an eloquent writer, and i feel that this e-mail gave a good perspective on how everyones life can turn out a little different. (k-i hope you aren't mad i included this. it had to be done).
"i always have been impressed with your commitment to keep things going from your double major in college, your commitment to a years worth of bookmaking, to the faith of a "hopeless romantic". maybe jealousy is a better word. you posted that a part of you wishes you had the "freedom" that i have exercised by up and moving to a different country and a different life, but i have always longed for your ability to see every day as a new day. understanding this perspective i hope you realize that same part of you in me makes me feel as if this wasn't an exercise in freedom but just taking the next step in my life that i always felt i had to take. i had begun to take my life for granted and once that happens it gets really hard to get out of bed in the morning. five years i worked at fridays. two of them with a college degree. i continued taking classes aimlessly because i always knew in my heart that bartending at fridays couldn't be it. even though i made the decision to move before fridays closed i really see that happing as a sign that i made the right choice. where will the next day take me? i don't know but if i did undoubtedly it would depress me. does it make sense to say that i am hopelessly bound by freedom? burning through life as if it was the only one i have. at the end i may reflect back and regret all the things i left behind where as you, i hope, will see all the good you held on to."
i am happy with all the things in my life. in my choices to see commitments thru and to be who i am. i know that someday i will be able to do things that i dream about now. and i know that i have made the right choices for me. sometimes i just get a little bit curious at how my life would be if i weren't me. if i were some fancy person that always wears make-up that always catches peoples' eye. or if i were more independent and lived by myself and did things alone more often. but i am just me. plain old liz who wears a ponytail to work because it is easy and doesn't care if she has lipstick on or not. who likes to go to the movies with people, to share experiences with someone, rather than having it all to myself. i like me, sometimes, i just wonder if i should be someone else.
