i knew that i would end up not writing in this as much as i wanted to. i always have good intentions of doing creative things... carrying my camera everywhere, painting more, writing in a journal... none of it gets done. i just sit and watch t.v. and go to bed.
lazy.
that is really all you can say. i totally admire the people who are creative all the time. they seem deep and interesting to me. i should be one of those people. i am in advertising, for christ's sake! i am supposed to be one of the most creative of the creative people. confession: i am not.
i am lazy.
don't get me wrong, i have streaks of the creativity that i am supposed to have. i may go as far as to say i have streaks of genius... but that seems too boastful. these streaks come when i am hopped up on coffee. during jittery periods of the day. caffeine helps my brain work. maybe if i just took speed...
kidding.
so. the point of the post is that i am going to try to write regularly. maybe not everyday. but more than once a month.
because laziness is crap.
28 February 2006
07 February 2006
growing older...
birthdays are weird things. they seem like they should be big. celebrations. a holiday for you and for everyone who loves you to celebrate. but they're not really. they are just another day. a day where you have to work and do all the things that you have to do. you may get a cake or some presents. (i am lucky. i got a cake.) but it really is just another day. i am only a day older than yesterday. not much has changed.
06 February 2006
what is it about marriage?
what makes little girls dream about marriage? we dress up like brides, dream about meeting the perfect prince charming, plan our wedding before the man is even a figment of our imagination. what is it about marriage that creates this yearning, crazy feeling inside of us?
i have always wanted the man to pursue me. it is the whole romance thing of it. man falls for woman and sends flowers and poems and things to show his affection for her. it doesn't happen that way anymore. the world has changed. women pursue. women wait. women purpose, which, sometimes seems like a great idea to me. but if i ever did this, i feel like the man would blow it off as just a suggestion, not as a real proposal. so i wait. we all wait. until the other is ready and we can finally start our real wedding plans. not just the imaginary ones. the real ones. the ones that cost money and that we don't have to keep hidden deep down inside ourselves.
and we can have real plans for the future. a girl i knew got married right out of college and i remember her saying "i am ready for the wedding, i just don't think i am ready for the whole marriage thing." this, is crazy. you get married because you want to have a future with the person you love. not to have a wedding. believe me, i am so excited about the thought of planning a wedding i could faint. but i know what the point of the wedding is. i am more excited about the being together forever part. the growing old together. the knowing he will be by my side forever. i am so excited to see the look on his face when we have our first child. the first look when i tell him that i am pregnant and surprise him with some kids toy or something. and the look when he gets to hold that child for the first time. the wedding is the starting point to all of this.
maybe that is why we long for this thing. when we know that we are ready, we know we have the person we want to be with. maybe we are ready to take that next step and start that new portion of our life.
i am happy now. i live with the man i love. i have a great job and great friends. but i am always open to the idea that there is more. more happieness to be had. more love to share.
i have always wanted the man to pursue me. it is the whole romance thing of it. man falls for woman and sends flowers and poems and things to show his affection for her. it doesn't happen that way anymore. the world has changed. women pursue. women wait. women purpose, which, sometimes seems like a great idea to me. but if i ever did this, i feel like the man would blow it off as just a suggestion, not as a real proposal. so i wait. we all wait. until the other is ready and we can finally start our real wedding plans. not just the imaginary ones. the real ones. the ones that cost money and that we don't have to keep hidden deep down inside ourselves.
and we can have real plans for the future. a girl i knew got married right out of college and i remember her saying "i am ready for the wedding, i just don't think i am ready for the whole marriage thing." this, is crazy. you get married because you want to have a future with the person you love. not to have a wedding. believe me, i am so excited about the thought of planning a wedding i could faint. but i know what the point of the wedding is. i am more excited about the being together forever part. the growing old together. the knowing he will be by my side forever. i am so excited to see the look on his face when we have our first child. the first look when i tell him that i am pregnant and surprise him with some kids toy or something. and the look when he gets to hold that child for the first time. the wedding is the starting point to all of this.
maybe that is why we long for this thing. when we know that we are ready, we know we have the person we want to be with. maybe we are ready to take that next step and start that new portion of our life.
i am happy now. i live with the man i love. i have a great job and great friends. but i am always open to the idea that there is more. more happieness to be had. more love to share.
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